Growth Update!
Monday, February 08, 2010 | 6 comments

It's been two months since the last update! Sorry for the hiatus, lovelies. We'll be updating more frequently now. Anyway, I am one month away from my first year ful...

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written by Miss Fizzy

It is possible that this topic has been talked to death, but I will hold on tenaciously until women start to get the message.

There are several reasons why women refuse to go natural. A few of which make sense, and a lot of which don’t. I am not knocking anybody for not being natural, let me put that out upfront, however, I want to understand why.

One of the excuses I hear the most (after “it’s hard to manage natural hair” and “It won’t look good on me”) is this one: black men won’t find me attractive anymore. (Insert sound of me screeching to a halt). What? So what these women are telling me is that their self esteem is so tied up in what a group of individuals with extra equipment between their legs thinks of them that they will let these people’s opinions stop them from being themselves? Please pull the other one, because I think that is complete and utter bullshit. Nobody that is worth their salt will ever judge you based on your outward appearance. It shouldn’t matter if your hair is straight, curly, kinky or bald, if they scorn you because of your hair, then please sister, turn away from them. You don’t need them and they don’t deserve you.

Many black sisters will tell you that they tend to get more positive attention from other races when they rock their hair natural than from black men. This might be true, but they will also tell you that the black men that do approach them are of a different breed altogether. The black men that approach them are respectful, deep, have their act together and are more likely to call you ‘princess’ and ‘woman’, and not ‘bitch’ or ‘ho’. They will tell you that you look beautiful, and not ‘hot’ or ‘phat’. They will ask if they can take you out to dinner, and not to the club. They will want to get to know the real you inside and not just what’s under your clothes.

As a black woman, in a relationship with a black man, I can tell you that it is the person under the hair that counts. If a woman carries herself with dignity and confidence, if she wears her hair proudly, if she believes she is beautiful, then everybody will have no choice but to believe it too.

Your hair does not define you and neither do black men. Now what’s the next excuse?

Miss Fizzy is a graduate student studying something really dull and would rather spend her days playing in her afro. She runs the blog Chaotic Order and also co-runs Leave in the Kinks in between classes, setting up her business, playing with her hair and generally being fabulous.

You can find out more about Miss Fizzy’s natural hair journey at and about Miss Fizzy at

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Whit says
September 17, 2009 at 8:53 AM

Love this post. Thanks for this!

liliMarie says
September 17, 2009 at 8:57 AM

Thats sooo true! a guy that likes you or finds you attractive only because of your hair is probably not the right guy. and he's most likely very juvenile. a true man understands that you value someone for much more than their outward appearance. and most importantly... (and i think this is the hardest one for women to understand)... you cant like everyone. just like you dont like every guy that hits on you....every guy is not gonna like you. when we stop trying to please everyone else and learn to love ourselves and be true to ourselves...the right person..that appreciates your whole self including your curls will show up... and when he

NEA says
September 17, 2009 at 9:09 AM

Tell it, Miss Fizzy! It's time to let that "Black men won't find me attractive" thing go.

If your hair is clean, and stylish, that should be good enough, for somebody who has hair JUST like yours. If it ain't, then I don't know what to say.

But...I must confess, Black men were never a consideration, when I decided to stop the lye. So, I guess I'm not the most sympathetic. I've always loved MEN, regardless of color, who are together in the head...and who appreciate my style.

Anonymous says
September 17, 2009 at 10:31 PM

i must admit, i was one of these girls. it just so happened that as i did my BC i had just got with my bf. i had my hair in kinky twist at the time so no one every saw it, and though it took me a second to get used to it, he loves playing in it and never said anything negative when i was trying to find hairstyles that fit me (it was a battle lol). a year n a half later we're still goin strong and he's even proposed :). guess i got lucky

kitsune says
September 17, 2009 at 11:21 PM

wow .. i've never heard of needing a reason to relax your hair. it's always been a personal preference for me, no different than picking out what color shirt to wear. my husband loves me and could care less what i do to my hair (or my daughter's).

it was an interesting read though.

Yonnie8k says
September 18, 2009 at 11:13 PM

"Nobody that is worth their salt will ever judge you based on your outward appearance."

This is quite an idealistic statement. We ALL judge people initially based on their outward appearance. It would be shallow to eliminate someone from your dating pool based solely on physical characteristics, but the physical appearance is usually what gets the conversation started. Anyone who is being honest with themselves can admit that. I am natural, and I agree whole-heartedly with your sentiment that being natural attracts a different breed of black men. Maybe it is an issue of quality over quantity.

Anonymous says
September 19, 2009 at 2:57 AM

well, I'm one of those people who was lazy and tired of relaxers. so I went natural. Didn't ask my bf at the time what he thought or consult with anyone. I thought I was doing myself a a favor. And I was...little did I know that natural hair is work...I've been natural for a few years and have only started doing that work...a testament to my previous motivation to do anything hair-related.

CurvyGurl ♥ says
September 20, 2009 at 9:49 PM

You're so right, it's just an excuse. Most men I know appreciate a woman's total package rather than nitpick like women do.

Moni says
September 20, 2009 at 10:22 PM

My black bf has loved my hair since the moment I BCed, when it was barely longer than his. In fact, he prefers nappy hair (as opposed to curlier hair). I also have gotten compliments from black male friends on my hair.

For most men, the overall package matters way more than just the hair, even if he does have certain preferences. If you are confident in who you are and how you look, people will be attracted to you because how you feel on the inside definitely reflects on the outside.

Anonymous says
September 21, 2009 at 9:50 PM

this is a great topic. When women compliment me on my hair & i suggest that they give it a try the NUMBER 1 response i get is some variation of black men wont find me attractive. this absolutely breaks my heart

naturally.golden says
September 21, 2009 at 11:28 PM

Very interesting article! It caught my eye because I know that a lot of things crossed my mind when I was debating whether or not to go natural. Wondering if black men would still find me attractive was definitely one of them.

I think that as a black woman I was trying to hard to make sure that I was attractive to my man,(I had relaxed hair when he met me, so wasn't that what he was attracted to?) Well happy to say confidence goes a long way!I am currently growing out my former TWA and always look for new styles to spice things up.

We have been together 2 years and he actually embraces my new hair, and has not asked me once to straighten it again :)

Anonymous says
September 26, 2009 at 9:08 PM

I LOVED THIS READ.. When I made the choice to go natural it was all about what was good for me.. I did wonder what kind of man I would attract but the truth is I want someone who can embrace me "naturally". This doesnt seem to be an issue for men really.. Long short or otherwise.. I think part of the problem is too. that if as a woman your are strong enough to give up the weaves and perms to embrace the real u.. or even cut your hair low such as I have.. some people get the wrong idea.. assuming that you like something different.. all of a sudden I'm not beautiful cuz I dont have a horses tail hanging down to my ass?? or my hair aint all burnt up?? please.. I'm proud and strong and a woman who respects all people and loves men.. Love me or leave me the hell alone..

Beautiful Queen At Only 17 says
September 28, 2009 at 7:30 PM

I am a seventeen year old teen girl who is going natural, and I found this article when simply searching the web for natural hairstyles. I currently have permed hair however I have no problem at all with the natural look. I often switch things up and hear several comments, a lot of them which are negative when I have natural hair; however, I always remind myself that years from now my peers wont determine my success or what I'll be so why should what they say get to me?? If anything I feel bad for their ignorance and I pray that they will one day love themselves as much as I love me!!!....

Anonymous says
October 4, 2009 at 8:34 PM

I also believe the article is idealistic. Like a previous blogger noted, we all make judgements on appearance whether we like to admit it or not. I don't think there is anything wrong with a man choosing not to approach a woman because he prefers relaxed hair over natural, and vice-versa. We are all different, and we therefore, prefer different things when choosing our significant others. Although such a preference is seemingly shallow, is preferring relaxed hair any worse than a woman preferring a man over six feet tall or refusing to date a man without a degree, or with a big penis? It's all about what makes you personally happy. For some women, the kind of men that they are particularly attracted to prefer relaxed hair for whatever reason. It's just their preference :-/

jennifer@lyssa says
October 5, 2009 at 9:40 PM

I don't get that reason either. I get soooo much attention from guys. Way more than I did with staight hair. Everyday a guy(not a girl) tells me how much they like my hair and how attractive it is to be in a natural style. So, I definitely don't understand that reason.

Anonymous says
October 19, 2009 at 2:33 PM

I as with many others, love this post. I decided to leave the creamy crack alone a few weeks ago and it was the best decision I have made in a long time.
My husband seems to be more attracted to me since I put the clippers to my head. Hes even lined me up front and back for goosd measure - and he used to be one of those men that used to be into long straight hair.
Its easier for me - and better for my scalp!

Miss Fizzy says
October 19, 2009 at 3:15 PM

Thanks for reading my post guys. For the commenters who think I'm being idealistic, maybe I am, but I do believe that inner beauty always shines through and is what attracts men. Sure superficial beauty will make them come over most of the time but if there's nothing there, they'll probably just nut and step. True, being natural doesn't mean that you have more inner beauty than the next relaxed chick, but a lot of men will tell you that it shows she has more confidence and confidence is a huge factor when it comes to catching a guy's attention.

Truth is, most men don't actually care if your hair is relaxed or not as long as you wear it well and with confidence. I mean if a woman's walking around with dry, unkempt hair, natural or relaxed, the response will be the same. I just don't think that men should be used as an excuse. If you want to go natural, do it for you and you alone. Nobody else's opinion should factor in your decision.

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